The Pakistan Cricket Board is full of nincompoops and jokers, they don’t know anything about cricket and they don’t know anything about management. Each time there is a new tournament or a new tour, the team selection is pathetic.  Earlier I used to get surprised and shocked but, not any more because, you can always expect the unexpected from these goons.

Number one, they are biased and select players and captains on the basis of regionalism, nepotism and cronyism. Number two, they don’t care about the game or the future of cricket in Pakistan, they are interested about their future and how much money and fame they can get in making a fast buck. Hence, they select the “Parchee Players” like, Shoaib Malik, Faisal Iqbal, Imran Farhat who are backed by their respective Chachas, Mamas and Father-in-Laws.

The appointment of the Captain is so sacred and so holy that he must be from the holy-land only otherwise he cannot survive. I was wondering what was wrong with Shahid Afridi Captaining the ODI and T20′s side and he did a pretty good job in gelling the wounded “langree-looli” team after that SPOT FIXING incident and under his captaincy he made it to the World Cup semifinals and we all know what happened during that match in Mohali and the reward for making it up to the semifinal which was a feat that was achieved after more than a decade was, ‘stripping him off the captaincy job’.  This happens only in Pakistan.

Making Hafeez the T20 Captain “just for the Sri Lanka tour” is another joke and a Frankinstein experiment. Hafeez has been playing cricket for almost a decade and in between he was lost and forgotten during the days of Inzamam, Younus Khan captaincy. The person who rediscovered Hafeez is Afridi. Afridi as a captain gave Hafeez numerous opportunities to open the batting and bowling for Pakistan at international level. He actually made Hafeez what he is today by building his confidence. Now, they make Hafeez the Captain and make Afridi play under him?  Obviously it hurts to anyone be it Afridi or anyone if such a musical chair game is played where he is demoted for no reason.

WE all thought that anyone who will replace Ijaz Butt would be a better Chairman but, Zaka Ashraf having no experience of the game or even that of man management  appears to be a puppet and a toy in the hands of the old regime of bureaucrats, he does nothing and his main goal is to bring a club level team from Canada to play in Pakistan to prove to the nation that he has restored international cricket in Pakistan? If he does so it shouldn’t be a feather in his cap but, a shovel in Ijaz’s Butt.

Now, look at the team that has been selected for all three formats, Hafeez is the captain of the T20 and Misbah remains captain for Test and ODI’s. How farcical and how comical? And, on top of that the news that  ”Misbah stepped down from T20″  Why the F is he playing cricket? He should retire and play Carom Board in Mianwali.

As regards the players, they are either Sifarishi or Sialkoti.  Count the number of sifarishi players and the Sialkoti players, is it 73.87%  ????  :-)

Most appalling inclusions are of Shoaib Malik, Sohail Tanvir and Yasir Arafat in the T20 squad.

For ODI, Sarfaraz Ahmad the wicket keeper should not be in the team. That is my view because, I have not seen him doing anything with the bat, even that Asia Cup final score was nothing to write home about it was more of a pain than a pleasure. Farhat is back again with a pain in his whatever and that is because he got a new Parchee, for Tests, Taufiq Umar, Faisal Iqbal are a drag and Who is Mohammad Ayub and Misbah ul Haq?

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.

YAARI HAI-ZARDARI HAI AUR CRICKET KI BARBADI HAI

WHY is Mr. Asif Zardari poking his nose in cricket? Just because he is the sleeping patron in chief of the cricket board in Pakistn does not give him the right to do so.  In politics, he used ALL his resources to come into power and sneaked in through the backdoor. The PPP got sympathy votes because of BB’s demise and Zardari bulldozed himself into power. Ever since he came into power he is bulldozing the country, which is almost flattened by corruption, lawlessness and disasters.

Recently he went on a YATRA to INDIA and came back looking holier than the COW. He seems to be looking very inspired by Manmohan Singh and wants to follow his footprints. Also, talking too much about developing bilateral ties between the two countries.

I hope its not going to be a “Kawwa Challa Hans Ki Chaal…”  or, follow the sheep or the PiedPipper story? You created IPL, I will create PPL and you roar, I fart.  Why the HELLO Pakistan needs to follow the footsteps of The BCCI? They can do weird things, adapt strange policies, demand extreme measures but, the PCB cannot do the same. They are in no position to demand, they have everything to lose and nothing to gain i.e., if they further antagonize the ICC, they will be isolated. Is this what Mr. Zardari wants do do before he takes another permanent one way flight to Dubai?

Zardari himself is always in “Chay-Oss” (this is exactly how he reads Chaos – so now his speeches are written in phonetics.) and he sought advise on cricket from 5 ex-Chairmen of the PCB and one of them is the “Buffoon” Ijaz Butt.  (By the way its not me but Malcolm Speed the former Chairman of the ICC called him “A Buffoon”).  And, why is DNA not in this committee? That is because he is a sensible person and he is the one who gave the PCB a written constitution for the first time in 60 years?

I support this rule  i.e.,  the ICC has set March 2013 deadline for all its affiliated members/boards to make their system more democratic and to ensure that no kind of interference is done in their affairs by their respective governments. The maximum punishment for not following the instructions could amount to disaffiliation of the PCB from the ICC.

Pakistan is already isolated from the rest of the world. Not even Bangladesh wants to come to Pakistan to play cricket in Pakistan. What a shame this happened during Zardari and Ijaz Butt’s time and neither of the two has extended their apologies to the Sri Lankan government, their cricket board, nor the players or, the people of Sri Lanka for that horrendous terrorist attack in Lahore.

Since then Pakistan is still playing International cricket outside their country and are at the mercy of the other board’s schedule and their moods. Right now they are at the mercy of SL and Australian cricket board and waiting for a reply from them i.e., to the SOS that Zaka has sent it to them saying, please, please, please accommodate us in your schedule and let us play a couple of matches with you in Sri Lanka.

Pakistan, if they remain adamant in their stupid approach will soon become an ORPHAN in the cricketing world. Paani may reh ker magar much say bair? Kimpossible.  Neither Zardari nor Zaka or any of their cronies are able to see what they are doing? Zardari and Zaka will soon be gone it will be left for others may be Imran Khan to flung the Dung left by these Buffaloes and Cows.

Well, the PCB is a cash cow and that is why they are all hovering around like vultures and they have not wasted any opportunity in damaging the game of cricket in Pakistan.  To make it to the British theater, you need to be White, middle-class, Oxbridge educated. And this is not just a single person’s opinion but, has been highlighted in the last 12 months by people all over in the UK.

Likewise in Pakistan if you want to make it to the national team and if you ant to be the captain of the Pakistan cricket team you have to be an elitist from the province of Punjab. You don’t need anyone to vouch for this bold statement, its known to everyone and everyone who is not from the Punjab is saying this. Well this blunt statement may hurt some of the people who are involved in it and they may say its not true but, history is there to prove it.  Shall we start digging out the names or, shall we leave it here for the grave diggers to their job? Just for info: I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done!  :-)

The best thing for Zardari is to become a janitor at the mazaar of his ex-wife.

ZARDARI'S FUTURE IS AT BENAZIR'S SHRINE

There is creative reading as well as creative writing.   But this is neither creative, nor artistic — I am talking about reading   So, please be more attentive while reading. 

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Through “most deniable“ resources I have come to know that a deal has been made between “IFs & Butts” that Mr. Shoaib Malik is “the most logical and deserving choice” to be appointed as Captain of the Pakistan team for the forthcoming T20WC tournament to be played in Sri Lanka in Sept. 2012.

Although Butt Sahab ka kehna hai kay, “Misbah noo hatanay di koi zaroorat nai — laikin — firr V agar hatta-nai hai tou, Malak noo laao, whore koi nai!” In fact half of his statement is definitely coming from the horses mouth called Ijaz Butt because, it is in the newspapers.  The other half is Khayaas Aaraiyan, meaning speculation.

Lets see the need for this “logical choice” and dissect it like the toad Rana Tigrina or what was its generic or species name, Hoplobatrachus tigerinus? The one we used to dissect it in the biology class. The worst part was not in cutting it apart but, to pith it and that too, IF Chloroform (CHCl₃₎ or trichloromethane was  not available to anesthetize, then we used to stuff  a spoon full of  BABA ZARDA in the poor Toads mouth to create that anesthetic effect.

I wonder how many of you have done these dissections in high school or at College level? It is something that I will never forget. But, I was so good at it, that I used to help my friends who were scared to even touch it.  The cockroach and earthworm dissections were a joke but, toad’s were serious.

NOW, I am ready with my imaginary tools such as the scalpel, a pair of scissors, eyedropper and a pointer and lets lay the toad in a tray full of wax and pin it up first.  :-)  Oh poor toad, may be you are not just a toad, but a prince in disguise, may be you re waiting for a princess to come and suck the Baba Zarda outta your mouth?  No, no this is very cruel to do all this. Yes, I have done it when I was a student but, now my heart is soft and tender hence, I must change my mind, instead of dissection I must do some analysis.

The word analysis rings the bell and takes me back in to the Chemistry class and it reminds me of those experiments we used to do in the lab i.e., separation of a substance into its constituent elements to determine either their nature, the qualitative analysis or, their proportions — quantitative analysis. Perhaps wee will discuss the nature and leave the rest for the bloggers to go out of proportions and out pants, which some of them are good at it.

I am not sure if we do the quantitative and qualitative analysis or go for the simple mathematical analyis involving differential and integral calculus, sequences, and series and concerned with limits and convergence? To be very honest I hate calculus and higher mathematics, I am basically a 2+2=5 kinda person. And, that’s the reason I ended up in finance and banking. You may have noticed that I am good in addition and bad in subtraction or deduction.

In Mathematics, they say that,  “the method of proof in which a known truth is sought as a consequence of a series of deductions from that which is the thing to be proved.”  And, I don’t think I can prove anything substantial using any mathematical formula, especially which is not my domain.

So, to sum it up, I cannot dissect because its too cruel, I cannot analyse chemically or, mathematically ‘coz its too complicated so, do I have to deal logic with logic? I guess so. The Urdu expression, “Loha Lohay Ko kaat ta hai.”  But, the logic that Butt Sahab has ‘arted can only be caught with a fishing net.

Besides, I am not Aristotle to define logic as ‘a system of reasoning.’  Because, there is no reasoning here, this is just a “obiter dictum”. Jaisay Baadshah Salamat ka Farmaan Nazil hoa, “Hum nay Kaha ho jao, ho gaya!”  Its just like Butt’s Fairy God Mother with her magic wand has influence over ZAKs.

Its seems like ZAKs has no opinion of his own, he is easily convinced with magic words such as Abracadabra, Hocus Pocus, Shazam etc. Not only him but, the selectors also get complacent in team selection as long as one of their blue-eyed boy creeps into the squad. And, this is happening since ages. And, it is called cronyism in cricket and parchee ka wasta, telephone ka zore, Zardari ki pukaar all this have more weight in team selection rather than going by the merit.

In your comments you are more than welcome to not only choose your captain but, also your playing XI with reasoning and justification.

After this  irrelevant, boring, blabbering, braggadocio of mine which must be very hard for some pseudo-intellectuals to understand my dry sense of humour. Therefore, let me finish off this thread on a lighter note i.e., why someone can qualify to be a captain and —- not qualify to be a captain?

Q. Misbah, people are not happy with your tuk tuk style of batting and they are saying, you should not be leading the T20 team in the forthcoming world cup? In fact they say you should not be in the team.

A. Peepal who say this have not played cricket so they don’t have the right to comment! And that is ground reality.  P.E.R.I.O.D. After all Butt Sahab is still sporting me, he has V-yen and he must have seen some kwalty in me, right hai kay rang? And, I have to claim my Rayal-Tea with this Tuc Tuc Biscuit walay because they have copied my name without my permission.

Q. Shoaib Malik, there is a big rumour that you will be made captain of the Pakistan T20 team, do you have to say anything about it?

A. You see my middle name is rumour, people have created so many rumours about me in the past, even in my personal life they have interfered and mujhe unhon nay ‘baal boy’ tak kaha. Laikin, but I told them give me a chance and I will prove. And, I proved it in FBT20 that I am the best all-rounder and best captain of the domestic team and domestic tournaments. Internationally tou sab he fail hotay hain kon fail nai hoa? Aur insaan agar ghar may accha hota hai tou bahar bhee acha hee hota hai. Ask my wife I am very good at home. So, the choice is obvious — no one is better than me! This is called self-proclamation.

Q.  Shahid Afridi, You are looking very tired today, what is the matter? Are you injured? Or, are you not happy that they are not making you a captain of the Pakistani cricket team?

A.  Yar, I was doing Gym in for 2 hours and then Gym out for 2 hours. So, I am vary tired and also I am vary hungry. Hafeez, Gullay koi sabe, kayla, shayla hai? Nai, Shaid Bhai nai hai. OK gimme the ball, Khuch, Khuch, Khuch….. array, array, array????? Yar chup reho sabhi khaatay hain!

So, the real choice was very difficult, but the logical choice is very easy. The middle name creates rumour and the rumour does not have wings, but it still fly like the French says, it goes from mouth to mouth.