AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MISS-BAH
J.A.K. Hey Misbah, you have done it again?
Miss: Yeah you know a good player have to be consistent and I am proud of this quality that I have in me that I can change a winning situation into a losing one.
J.A.K. But the entire nation is upset with this and they say they hate you, so what is your opinion?
Miss: Well, you know there is always a love and hate relationship but, the ground realities are I am very popular now.
J.A.K. The people are asking for your removal not only as a captain but, as a player from the T20 and ODI format…
Miss: You know people are always asking and demanding undesirable things, like they wanted my mentor Janab Butt Sahib, What happened? He went only when his time was up.
J.A.K. Why did you promote yourself up the batting order today, I mean in this 3rd ODI?
Miss: Bakaoz, Hina Rabbani Khar was watching the game and I thought it would be a good time to get into action.
J.A.K. But she left early by saying, I am not going to watch the re-run of THE LAST ACTION HERO.
Miss: I didn’t get your question could you please explain?
J.A.K. Arnold Shalwar Nicker was The Last Action Hero, don’t you know that?
Miss: No, sorry which country did he play for?
Miss: Do they have a team and is he the captain of the team?
J.A.K. aNO, he is The Terminator of California, just like you are The Terminator of cricket in Pakistan. And, you both have a few things in common like, since he became the Terminator of California, it is no more the 7th largest economies in the world and……..
Miss: But, since I am the captain of the team, I am steady at the 7th position in the ICC rankings.
J.A.K. I think you are on a different tangent ……….
Miss: Yeah, I am and I am always trying new and different shots and I am very innovating in getting out in a different manner each time.
J.A.K. Why do you always play that reverse shot?
Miss: Its a natural thing for me, bakaoz I am a good sweeper and sweep on both sides of the V-cut.
J.A.K. What makes you think it is “natural”?
Miss: Bakaoz hum Khandani Jharoo baaz hain.
J.A.K. Other than your sweep shot which other shot you prefer to play most?
Miss: Leap Frog, you see I can leap well I have those pictures framed in my living room.
J.A.K. You have said that you are a good sweeper, then do you prefer to play it with a cricket bat or a Jharoo, I mean a broomstick?
Miss: The Ground Reality is, I prefer a broomstick but, the ICC does not allow me and insist on playing with a cricket bat. If I play with a broomstick I can actually fly high like Amir Churail Bhai, and he also has a very good broomstick and, he calls it a ‘witchcraft‘ and that is bakaoz his Anglish is vary good.
J.A.K. You mean you can actually fly with a broomstick?
Miss: Of course, you know I am good at it. But, I am not allowed to bakaoz there are Ground Realities.
J.A.K. You have used that word ‘ground realities’ last week in that press conference and the media is making fun of it now.
Miss: You know the media people have their own ‘agenda’ and they want me to give back the captaincy back to Shahid Afridi.
J.A.K. So are you willing to give him back? I mean the captaincy.
Miss: OVER MY DEAD BODY.
J.A.K. Excuse me, what do you mean by that?
Miss: Oh, that was a quote from the book my Maternal uncle’s Paternal cousin brother’s grand father’s second cousin Lt. General Tiger Niazi wrote, he said that in Dhakka before playing that reverse sweep and then……
J.A.K. Then what happened?
Miss: Then he lost against India in Bangladesh by 93,000 runs and that is a world record.
J.A.K. I see, so you are from that famous Niazi background?
Miss: Of course we Mianwalis are always better than MianDads and BiwiWalas…. Imran Bhai is a living example.
J.A.K. I am sorry, I didn’t get that ……. is it a joke or a fact?
Miss: No, not a joke, that’s a ground reality.
J.A.K. Who is your best friend?
Miss: hahaha still you don’t know? Af Kaorse it is Shoaib Malak.
J.A.K. But why?
Miss: You know I owe him a debt that I took from him in 2007 when he took me to South Africa by replacing with that revert Moulvi, I am forgetting his name……
J.A.K. You mean Mohammad Yousuf?
Miss: Yes, he is too old you know, just 3 months younger than me and he wants to play Tonty, Tonty.
J.A.K. So, you are obliged to play Malik now because of that?
Miss: No, not just because of that, Sania Bhabi is also very kind towards me and asked me vary sweetly to send a parchee on chocolate wrapper and I endorsed it to Butt Saheb and he did the rest.
J.A.K. There is a rumour that Afridi will be reinstated as captain of the ODI team for the Asia Cup.
Miss: OVER MY DEAD BODY
J.A.K. No, no, no please don’t repeat that Niazi dynasty sagas again, I have understood it well.
Miss: LOL, see if you are good at repeating things, you also repeat your performance and that is called, consistency.
J.A.K. So, you think Afridi has no chance to take over from you the captaincy?
Miss: Has anyone returned anything after they have stolen it from that person? Besides, Butt Saheb has given it to me and said, keep it and I will protect you.
J.A.K. So, do you consider Afridi as your enemy?
Miss: Wail, you know in the ground there are realities and he is better than me in the ground but, outside the ground no one can beat me bakaoz I am calm, composed and cool like a cucumber.
J.A.K. One last question, can Professor Hafeez be a better captain than Afridi?
Miss: As long as I am there till 2015 no body can be better than me in everything and if they want to remove me it will be OVER My……….
J.A.K. OK, OK, OK I got it, thank you very much and I am sure the people are waiting for you at the Allama Iqbal International Airport La’hore to greet you with garland of used Bally Shoes!
Miss: Yesssss, Bally and RayBan are my favourites and I love them.
This is just a imaginary comical interview and its written on this blog only for venting out our frustration at Misbah’s tuk, tuk batting and his defensive tactics. These are just personal views of the writer, written in zest.
I do not like to write – I like to have written. Gloria Steinem