Archive for November, 2013

Hamaray Yahaan Eid Ki Namaaz

We are very well disorganized and always very late in starting the Eid prayers, never on time. I am proud to say that we haven’t changed a bit during all these years despite being thousands of miles away from our home country.

This Eid in Canada wasn’t any different from other Eids, because once again we had TWO Eids in one city! Wow, that is amazing isn’t it? After years of struggle and by the grace of Allah and the contributions of ALL we have managed to build a big mosque here in our locality. But, there are more than 43 mosques and Musallas in our city, Alhamdolillah and luckily this place is very near to my house, about 6000 people can say their prayers, parking space for almost 200 cars.

Earlier when this mosque wasn’t built, our Muslim ‘Komoonitty’ peepuls used to hire a big hall and used to take all the trouble in setting up rails and huge curtains to segregate men and women. I never understand why our ‘peepal’ used to do all this when there are no curtains, no purdah, no niqaab in the Haram Shareef. Probably that is the only worshiping place on earth for Muslims where husband and wife could hold their hands together while doing the tawaaf at Kaba’ah …… SubhanAllah.

Anyway, now this new mosque has 3 floors, one of the floors is designated for ladies permanently but, on Eid and other large social gatherings, the arrangement for ladies prayers is behind the men folks in the huge gymnasium attached to the mosque. Also, during the other social gatherings and dinner parties, they are all in ONE hall without any partition of curtains, but there is kinda segregation that on some occasions they sit on different sides and have separate food stations, and on some occasions some women folk prefer to sit with their spouses which is good.

But, a few years ago when the mosque wasn’t built, they used to hire a huge hall and they used to put a huge wall of curtain, the puropose was defeated because, as soon as the prayers were over, most of the men folks were seen in the ladies section. That is due to the fact they were in a hurry to go to work (if the Eid is not on a weekend) and they want to take their wives and kids with them ASAP.

Secondly a few years ago Eid was in winter, so then, they couldn’t stand outside due to the freezing cold out there, so they have to stay inside the premises at the ladies entrance and try to get attention from their wives who used to deliberately ignore them ~ which they always do and, they love to do it.

During the Eid festivals, for ladies, the most interesting part of their Eid starts as soon as the prayers are over i.e., they start talking freely (although you can hear them talking while the Eid ka Khutba is going on also during the Eid ki namaaz) but, after the Khutba is over they are busy showing-off their new clothes to their friends and admiring each other’s jora, gota, zari, boota, chooriyaan and mehndi shehndi, nails etc., and sometimes getting a little ‘jaylus’ if someone has better dress or better outfit than theirs, obviously they won’t admit. While they are admiring or getting jealous their hubbies are standing there at the exit door making faces.

When other women point out, ‘dekho, dekho tumharay miyaan kharay hain vahan tumharay intezaar may aur dekho vo ishaaray bhee ker rehay hain!’ And BV’s wouldn’t even bother looking@her.miyaans and would say with a giggle, ‘oh rehnay doh, unko toh mai roze hee dekhti hoon, aaj voh konsay Eid kay Chaand lag rehay hain? Aur ab dekhon gee toh isharay keraingay kay chalo … ab yeh unke ishaaray bhee stale ho gayeh unki terha!’  

Anyways, this is a matter of perception aur yeh bhee tame tame ki baat hai.
Let me first give you a brief description of our previous Imam (moulvi saab) and the way he used to conduct the prayers. He was a desi guy, he was very cute, he’s gone now but, I used to love the way he used talks in English.  Before starting the prayers he would keep on asking people to come forward by saying (shouting actually) like this:”Brudders peeleez come faawud, don’t seeet in da bayck side.
Aaalso pleez seeet in estate line Daon’t seeet in sami-circle.”
(because of the Qibla direction), the lines were not straight but oblique
instead of sitting like /// this they used to sit like ))) this, hence NO SAMI SIRKAL
He used to Yell, “Peleez estande up and estate your lines, jazakallah, jazakallah”.He would then used to explain how to say the Eid prayers with sikas ekistra takbeers (6 extra takbeers) suddenly he used to YELL very loudly:“Seeesterzz peeeleeeez ESTAAP TAAKING and leesun vary carefoolly…” sisters kay kaan pay jooon bhee nai rengti…. bachaon aur sisters ka humesha  competition chal reha hota kay kon ziyada zor say bolta hai?

Anyways, then he would start telling us how to say the Eid prayers.

1. Faasht (first) you make your niyyah det eye want too say tooo (2) rakaat wajib pryeyers with seeekas (6) ekistra takbeers for Allah tala, facing Kaba’ah and behind dis Imam ……. det is mee, aur apnay seenay pay haath rekh ker kehtay hain kay kaheen aap kisi aur ko na Imam samjhain.

2. Saykand (second) Den (then), when I say Allah O Akbar, you raise your hands and you laft it, don’t hold it (fold it) den do it for tree (3) more times, den fold it…….

(He used to yell again …SEESTERS… peeleeez Eestaap taaalking and leeson vary carefoolly)

continue explaining …..and den you eshtaat your pryeyers“.Once again he would request everyone to straighten the lines by saying:’daon’t make “sami circles” make a “eshtate line” peeleeez’.So, people used to reluctantly straighten up the lines at Imam’s request.

The thing that I really don’t understand is, when you stand up for prayers, there are some people who try to touch your toes with their cold and wet toes i.e., in order to fill up the space. I always try to move away my toes from the guy who is trying to touch mine, then the guy moves a little bit towards me and try to touch my toes again with his yucky wet and cold toes. The idiopathic notion they carry is: ‘You should be standing so close to each other that, Shaitaan shouldn’t get space to come ‘faawad’, koi zara inhay batlai kay, Shaitaan aagay hai ya peechay ?’Anyways, I have noticed that on every Eid prayer despite the Imam telling us how to and when to fold hands or to go in to rukuu or sajda, there is always a massive confusion among some people, rather most peeepalz. That is because of the different school of thoughts, some six extra takbeers some eight and recently one of the new Imams made it six plus six that is 12 extra takbeers, I dunno nothing about this but, I simply follow the herd.Like moulvi saab used to say: “sum peepal daon’t leesun carefooly and den day eshtaat folding dare hands and den some are draapping daym down and dare is no eneefaarmitee. (uniformity) “ He used to say this with a sarcastic smile on his face and you can see his yucky paan valay brown teeth behind his bushy un-groomed dyed henna beard.He would then move his head left to right and right to left to see if anyone is acknowledging and appreciating his worldly wise judicious advise and his creative observation? Obviously, no one is interested even in nodding their head, everyone is interested in getting over with the prayers and they want to meet with friends quickly and go to work especially if Eid is on a working day. Khair, he would scratch his beard and continue since he is lost his famous slogan, he yells again in the microphone….. Seesters peeleeez estaap taaking…..

I must add here a very funny incident of the same Imam on a Friday Khutba and it was about W’adoo (ablution) and the way he described the scene, it was hilarious, I think I will write that below after finishing this Eid wala description, otherwise there will be no continuity and I might confuse you.So, I continue with the Eid prayer, while the Eid prayer is in progress you hear kids crying. First, one kid who starts as a solo performer and then another joins in like, ‘Tablay ki Sangat’, and then another and then another, finally you stop counting ‘coz there is ‘an orchestra of un-synchronised crying voices’ with varying notes, flat, sharp, half note, full-note and some goes on a very high pitch, some squeaking and some are droning and some are crying without even realizing that they are crying and they have to and they MUST cry because, others are crying … so you are kinda drowned in the unpleasant melody of rona dhona and naak surrakna. Yeah, naak surrakna is kinda side effects of rona dhona.No matter how sincere you are in saying: “I don’t get distracted, but you do”. I was for sure, because in the end there were too many kids crying and I was kinda lost in it and when we were are supposed to say Attah yato lilla hay, at that moment I heard a little girl crying from behind and it came to my mind Oh, this must be Sarah (my niece) then, I said to myself, “No, no it can’t be Sarah, she is too big she is almost 11 now. Besides, she is in the ladies section not here among the men folks”.
Then Suddenly, I noticed the person next to me is raising his index finger to complete his Attah yato and I realized that I am falling behind in my prayers and instead of saying Attah yaato, I am lost in wondering whether this is Sarah or who? So, I hurriedly started to catch up with time and got even more confused.
Instead of saying Attah yaato, I was reading Alham do lillah (surah Fateha)  then I said to myself, ‘Hey, what the hellO? What am I doing?’ Then I took a pause and started slowly and there was enough time for me to complete Attahyaat, correctly….shukar hai the moulvi saab took long time to phairo his salaam and I completed my Attahyaat.At least, I am honest in admitting that I do get distracted very easily when I am praying. I remember back home, as a kid there was not a single Eid prayer where kids won’t cry while we are praying. This is also a part of our Eid prayers and this adds spice to the festive Eid atmosphere.I don’t remember about my crying when I was a kid, but I do remember all sorts of Shaitaaniyan (mischief) that I used to do and giggle at every single silly ‘lil mistake that someone would make and then I would try to control  and not laugh, and my face would get completely red in holding my breath and then I used to burst into a big laughter or a big hahahaha for no reason and then I used to get booted out along with my friends by the moulvi saab after the farz namaaz is over. (This is during Ramzan & Taravih) The Imam even used to complaint to my father that I come to the mosque to disturb the Taravih prayers or Isha prayers with some ‘unscrupulous’ kids, lol at unscrupulous kids, hahaha. He was kind in telling my father that aapka buccha tou accha hai magar doosre kharaab hain. Jabke I was the leader of those brats, but that was then when I was a kid.Anyways, back to my Eid prayers here; as soon as the Eid prayer is over you are very keen to go out of the hall because, its Moulvi saabs ‘Big-Day’ and he won’t let you go, there is Khutba followed by the big fat dua’s that he has prepared for the occasion and not just for us but, faar peeepal in Bosnia & Chechniya, and for peeepal in Filasteen & Kushmeer and faar Pakastan and Afghanistan, and he keeps on going and going, some people actually start leaving, but we can’t, because we have to wait till the end to meet your friends. But then you start yawning and looking@other.people‘s face or watch the kids who are NO more crying but running behind those ‘Chanda Aikhatta Kernay Vala’ guys who are moving fast from one lane to another with a chaddar or a Kapray Ki Thaily (bag) and collecting as much “chanda” – “fitrana” & donation for the mosque and as much as possible. Only God knows what they do with all the money they collect? :p

As soon as the dua’a is over people start embracing each other and some are running towards the place where they have left their new shoes. I remember, one of our friends lost his new pair of Bally Shoes and was waiting till the end to see if someone comes back and say, ‘oh brother I am sorry, I wore your shoes by mistake and here they are!’ That’s a ‘fish-ful’ thinking, coz the last pair of shoes left behind were so old and worn-out and were telling the tale of the guy who left them behind, ‘get into my shoes and feel how desperate I was for a new pair of shoes!’ Or. Dekho mujhay jo deeda-e-ibrat nigah ho, ya pehno mujhay jis may himmat-e-mardaan ho!

The sad thing is, out of all the peeepalzz my friend lost a new pair of shoes and the irony is, we won’t kick off our old habits that easily, we haven’t changed a bit. Chor, chori say jai, haira-phairy say na jai aur Eid ki namaaz agar farz nahee toh milnay ka aik bahana hai, kapray pahen ker dikhanay ka aik maoqa hai, aur dastoor bhee hai, aur hamaray haan jootay churana aik aadat-e-majboori hee nahee ravayat bhee hai. Hum har Jummah ki namaaz, Eid ki namaaz aur kisi bhi social gatherings pe jahan jootay utaaray jaatay hain jootay churana apna farz samajhte hain. Dulhay kay jootay bhi aaj tak churaye jaatay hain, vo tou Ransom kay baad vapis ho jaatay hain magar Masjid kay jootay kabhi vapis nahi aatay!

That Friday Prayers W’adoo Khutba
Our old Moulvi Sahab used to have such a funny accent plus the way he used to describe situations when he is short of words because of the choice of words in English langue but his body language used to compensate for the lack of words and expressions and one cannot sit there without laughing. The kids used to laugh a lot on his funny expressions. Now read this:
Imam talking about W’adoo (ablution)
Wayne you do Woodoo you maast be vary carefool in cleaning
Sum Peepals don’t wash the BAYK-SIDE of your NAYK (neck)
the moment he said this, kids in the back rows started to ROFL.
AND, brudders eat eez vary imparten to clean your pry-wait parts before the woodoo …. DareFore, wayne you URINE….
he raised his index finger and said, Wayne you Urine…. his index finger still raised and he is short of words, he doesn’t know how to express it in English and he cannot say that in Urdu because in our mosque it is only Arabic, English and French that is spoken and, no Urdu.
So, he is stuck here, short of words, dunno how to say and what to say?
His index finger is still raised and he is showing it to all the people sitting and listening to his Khutba…..
Wayne you urine….. wayne you urine…. and kept showing his index finger to everyone….by turning from left to right and right to left and finally he said,
You maast wash your urine….. (there was a grin on his face, a question mark on his forehead, samajh gaye honge aap tou, kay kya wash na hai?) :p
The moment he said this, once again the kids were ROFLing all over i.e., because he was unable to find a proper word or a sentence and ended up saying you maast wash your urine.. hahaha
Another funny incident
Here, he was trying to send a message across that sins are pardoned if you are innocent but not when you are an adult. There he goes ……..
My dear brudders you maast remaimburr dis……..end lisssun vary carefoooly
Wayne you are ismaal
WAYNE …..YOU ….. ARE…. ismaaaaal
you make a miss takes
den you are inno-saint
you caine make mistakes and,
Allah Subhana wa Tala fargaves you mistakes…why?
Bakaoz you are ismaal end you are inno-saint
He forgaves you, bakaoz he is Ghafoor O Karim A Rahim
BUT….But wayne you anter ADULTERY
wayne you enter adultery, there is no maafi, no fargeevNesss….
hahahaha he meant Adulthood and said adultery  hahahahaha
this time it was not just the kids, I was rofling that day!! hahaha

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